well my grandfather has now passed away and the last person i had ever felt close to is now gone.. i don't think i can be close to anyone.. the pain i have when they are near to me is greater than being alone.. which i am now... i had only 3 people in my life that i cared for and i have abandoned myself to 1 and the others have left me by way of death which i see would probly be better than i am now... i wonder how much that would make me feel better and hurt less i constantly fight my head and heart on how i feel and the descisions i make and have made about the person i abandoned i loved him i truely did but i don't think i can ever take back what i had done to him... and it hurts.. i hurt and i know he does or did i'm sure he has gotten over me by now... but i do still think of him... but nothing can ever ease the pain from death and abandon ment and i'm sorry eric forgive me... and just remember i loved you i did i just felt like i needed to be alone.. my mind won't rest my heart won't stop hurting and i'm just glad i had a chance to know you and yes i know those reasons probly weren't good enough but i fallowed my heart and did what i felt i had to do and if i hurt you in any way i'm sorry i will stay away and i shall never enterfear with any one again so as soon as i find out how i will delete this account and let you be rid of me.. so goodbye all

hey everyone i know i haven't been on in a long time, haven't hade much time with my job and everything that's been going on latly, i feel like such a let down to some people.... as well as my grandpa dying, i'm working all night, broke up with my boyfriend, trying to get used to every one criticising me over what i do and how i dress... mainly from my step mom..... i've been called things by her but she basicly called me a slut for me wearing a halter top with a pair of chain pants. and i thing my ex boyfriend hates me... and i know i hurt him which i'm sorry for that i just didn't want him to become all wrapped up in me and not fallow his dreams i didn't want to be the one thing that held him back in his life from the begining and i didn't want to be the one where he looks back on his life and blames me for him not doing what he wanted.... and i don't think he can forgive me for what i did to him i just want him to know i'm sorry but i can't look back and take back what i did.... and i'm sure he wouldn't want to be friends with a b*&%$ like me.... i'm using the computer at my stepbrothers so i best be off.... don't know if i'll get on again in a long time so this is bye for now....

well i'm have been spending the week with eric, it's the best time in my life!!! we have been playing alot of X-box live on my 360 and alot of "other" things i do have to say i always have the best times when i'm with him and hope to live with him while i go to a community collage, he makes me so happy, i love being with him and i hope to god he never lets me go cuz my heart will never let him go....

bored

i'm so freakin bored right now, i havn't talked to eric all day, so i desided to get on the comp and just surf a bit but this dosn't help eather..... i'm about to go nutts

well it's been a couple of weeks when i had a phone restriction put on me for talking to eric to much, which i might add i don't see how thats possible, he makes me so happy, i'm greatful that i have him and greatful that i can hear his voice every night even though i can't see him, he takes care of me so well even though he might not know it, and he keeps me happier then anyone ever could and i'm greatful for that as well he is my one greatest desire and i just hope he knows that i love him unconditionally.